Videnda
by pathopoeia
Summary: 'things worth seeing or which deserve to be seen.' Jim hasn't been the same since his revival from death, but not even Bones can persuade him to confess what's going on in his mind. But when a simple recon mission gets a lot more complicated, Jim's refusal to talk may cost him more than he is able to give. Slash, McKirk pairing.
1. Chapter 1: Lassitude

**Chapter One: Lassitude**

**'**A state of physical or mental weariness; lack of energy'

* * *

While many people learned Jim by the curve of his smile, the fire in his eyes or the confident attitude that stood him apart as the youngest Captain in Starfleet, this was not how Leonard McCoy came to learn Jim. He learnt Jim by the bullet holes, the violent scratches left by hostile creatures, the deep slashes and gouges caused by primitive weapons wielded by equally primitive civilisations. As was his duty as Chief Medical Officer, and dammit his duty as Jim's _friend, _Bones would patch him up as best as he could. Sometimes there were scars, sometimes there were broken bones that could be mended. He learnt the medicines that Jim's body rejected, which alternative methods to use. He knew how Jim's body worked, but even he who considered himself one of Jim's closest friends could not presume to understand his mind.

Six months after Khan's attack and Jim's death, they were back onboard the _Enterprise_. It had taken that long to fix up the ship, and while Bones recommended that Jim stay off duty for longer, there had been no way he could keep Jim from his ship. Even Spock had told Jim that there was no pressure for them to leave straight away in a strange gesture of concern. After completely losing control after Jim's death, Spock had been attempting to reach a state of mental harmony, balancing both his vulcan and his human half. Bones had the uneasy feeling that while this sounded like a good idea, a more emotional Spock might not be what they expected. And Jim could really do without having to worry about _Spock_ on top of everything else that he had to deal with. While Starfleet was not a military operation, the _Enterprise_ had been fitted with more powerful shields and weapons - probably due to the distinct talent that James T Kirk had for getting into trouble. They had also assigned the _Enterprise_ to pick up any reports of hostile civilisations and assist the fleet in expanding their outposts to those outreaching planets. While 'boldly going' was their job description, all Bones could think about was the amount of blood he would be seeing in his medical bay.

They were heading towards a planet named Bersallis III in order to drop off some supplies in order to reinforce its Starfleet outpost against the firestorms that occurred every seven years. It was a quick, easy mission but Jim sat rigid his chair, scanning the plant for any anomalies.

"And you're sure there isn't going to be a firestorm while we're there?" He asked Spock. Spock stood from his station and went to Jim's side with a PADD.

"Captain, as I have already informed you, the last firestorm was only five years ago. The cycle has remained constant for all recorded history of Bersallis III and it would be illogical for its pattern to change. There is no danger, Jim."

Jim's shoulders did not relax as he stared at the PADD that Spock handed him.

"Keep an eye on the readings, just in case."

"Of course, Captain." Spock returned to his station and Jim continued glaring at the PADD, rubbing his eyes with his other hand. He wasn't sleeping well - in fact, he couldn't remember the last time he had had a decent night's sleep without either waking up every five minutes or having horrific nightmares. He knew Bones would probably have a hypo or something that could help, but Jim didn't want to have to rely on medicine just because he couldn't _sleep_. He was back on the _Enterprise_ now, in his own bed in his ship. Jim was sure he'd sleep like a baby after their first mission.

"Right, this should be nice and simple. I'll go down with a security team and once we've established contact with the outpost we'll radio up and get a team of engineers and science officers down to start helping with the improvements. It's the least we can do. Mr Spock, pick four of your team and get Scotty to pick some engineers, whoever he can spare. I know the new warp core is being a bit of a handful."

"Affirmative, Captain." Spock stood and got into the lift, sharing a brief smile with Uhura before the doors closed.

"Entering orbit now, sir." Sulu said.

"I'm hailing the outpost now," Jim flashed Uhura a grateful smile and stretched his neck. A Starfleet officer appeared on the screen. There were no explosions, no guns and she looked very calm. Jim felt that this was good. He was just waiting for something to go wrong, as it inevitably did.

"Captain Kirk, it's good to see you."

"And you, Lieutenant. I'll be beaming down shortly with a security team, and then we'll send a shuttle with the supplies down to your location."

If the officer was surprised at Kirk's caution, she didn't show it.

"Thank you, Captain."

Jim nodded and her face flickered from the screen. He stood, taking in a slow, calming breath before letting it out.

"I'm going to the transporter room. Sulu, you have the conn until Mr Spock returns."

"Yes, Captain."

Jim gave Chekov a wink, nodded to Uhura and stepped into the lift. He hoped he was imagining the worry in her brown eyes. _But there is nothing to worry about_, he told himself sternly, _it's a secure Starfleet outpost, the firestorm isn't for another two years and there is no damn reason anything should go wrong_.

By the time had finished his pep talk he had reached the transporter room. Four security officers were already waiting, and one of them handed Jim a phaser which he strapped to his side.

"Energise."

They arrived at the correct coordinates, in the middle of the outpost. Jim let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and headed towards the main console room with the security team in tow.

"Captain Kirk, I'm Lieutenant Danvers. Your ship informed me that you're going to start helping us with fitting out the place, I can't tell you how grateful we are."

She saluted him before shaking his hand warmly.

"It's not a problem," Jim replied with a smile and flipped open his communicator, "Kirk to _Enterprise_."

"Captain, it is Spock. I presume you have reached the outpost without any trouble."

"Yeah, send down the shuttle."

"Affirmative, Captain. I will tell Lieutenant Sulu to leave now."

"Thanks, Spock. Kirk, out."

The Lieutenant smiled at Kirk and gestured to the room.

"Feel free to look around. There isn't much here, but after the last firestorm trashed the shielding on the building the outpost had to be evacuated. Hopefully with the new fittings, it won't be a problem again."

"Thanks. The shuttle is on its way. I can spare a day of orbit, but then we will need to be on our way."

"Thank you, Captain."

Kirk nodded and flopped down into the nearest chair. He didn't see the point in 'looking around' as all Starfleet outposts were pretty much the same, and he'd been to plenty. It would be about fifteen minutes before the shuttle arrived, so Jim decided to annoy his CMO.

"Kirk to medical."

There was a pause.

"Jim, dammit what's happened?"

Jim chuckled, "Calm down, Bones. I'm fine, the security team is checking the systems and we're just waiting for the shuttle."

"Okay. What do you need me for then?"

"Just. Y'know. I don't like waiting."

There was hiss of what could have been static, but what was actually Bones huffing down the communicator at him.

"Jim, I have got things to do you know. _You're_ the one who made me Chief Medical Officer of your ship."

"Yeah, well. Patience is not one of my virtues." Jim quipped. He could _feel_ Bones rolling his eyes at him. "I'm bored."

"Don't be such an infant."

Jim grinned. He was feeling better already. He glanced up as a yellow light began flaring, accompanied by officers hurrying to their stations.

"Bones, alert the shuttle that a yellow alert has just been sounded, don't let them land until I tell them. Kirk, out."

Kirk shut his communicator before Bones could reply and got to his feet, reaching Lieutenant Danvers. Her brow was puckered and there was a grim look in her eye.

_If that's a firestorm ahead of schedule, I'm going to kick Spock's ass. _

"What's the problem?" he asked. Danvers bit her lip.

"The life support system has shut down."

Jim blinked at her stupidly for a moment before he managed to recover himself.

"Atmosphere outside?"

"Not breathable for humans. Too much nitrogen compared to Earth. We've shut off all non-critical systems and closed off unused parts of the outpost but we've got two hours of air tops. This is a busy outpost, there's a lot of people breathing in here."

Jim glanced around.

"I've got a shuttle that can take some of you up, and my ship has transport abilities...what?" Jim did not like the look on Danvers' face.

"Those non-critical systems I was talking about also include the device that stops interference with transporters. I know your crew is good, Captain Kirk, but I don't know that they will be able to get through the interference of the planet's atmosphere in time.

"Shit." By the look on Danvers' face, she agreed with his statement. "Does that interference mean I'm also unable to communicate with my ship?"

Danvers nodded. Jim rolled his eyes and cursed the fact that whatever mission he went on it always went to shit at some point.

He flipped his communicator open anyway.

"KIrk to _Enterprise_."

There was a fizz of static.

"...Kirk...? Uhura...losing...s'going on...assistance?"

"Uhura, the outpost's life support has shut down. Do you read me? We've got two hours of air left, now get us out of here. Uhura?"

"...Kirk-"

The communicator cut out. Kirk rubbed his face with his hands and hoped that Uhura had heard enough to know that he needed someone to come and save him. Again.

X

"Sulu, get down to the outpost. I don't know what's going on but Bones said there was a yellow alert, and now their comms are down. I think Kirk needs help but we can't get through the interference to clarify." Uhura ordered. Spock raised an eyebrow from his seat on the Captain's chair but simply nodded.

"Chekov, see if you can break through the interference to beam the Captain out."

"Aye, sir."

There were several minutes of silence as the crew worked furiously. Chekov was the one who broke that silence.

"Sir, I can break through but it vill take time."

"How much time?"

"Approximately three hours, sir."

"We need it done in minutes, not hours. We have no idea what is going on down there."

"Aye sir."

"Spock, we've lost contact with Sulu's shuttle." Uhura's voice was strained as her eyes darted to Spock's. "We have no way of knowing what's going on, and anyone else we send down is going to be left on their own."

"I am aware of this, Lieutenant. Spock said shortly, placing his hands on the arm rests, his face serene despite the turmoil that was going on in his mind. "Spock to medical."

"McCoy here. Dammit, Spock what's going on down there?"

"We do not know. All communications are down at the outpost, however I believe we may be able to deduce the situation from Jim's readings. If you recall, after his transfusions he was fitted with an implant that feeds back data to the _Enterprise_. While it will not currently be able to transmit data, it will be easier to break through the interference via the implant, and from this we may be able to deduce what the situation is." Spock turned to Chekov, "Dedicate your efforts to this course of action please, Ensign."

X

They were taking too long. More than one person was sitting down with their head between their knees in desperate attempts to not pass out, and even Jim was beginning to feel decidedly awful. The air was thin, and he felt shaky and dizzy. _Why does this always happen to me?_

The next breath that he sucked in brought no oxygen to his lungs, and a feeling of panic swelled up in his chest. He choked in another breath and luckily this brought some relief but there were black dots in his vision. It had been an hour and a half.

Jim went to stand, moved to try and attempt a gesture of solidarity by standing next to Lieutenant Danvers but his legs gave out and he hit the floor on his hands and knees. Any breath he managed to take rattled in his chest and his eyes watered from the effort it took.

He closed his eyes.

X

"Okay, increased heart rate...I've got it. _Dammit_. McCoy to bridge."

"Doctor-"

"They've got no oxygen, dammit Spock it's been too long. There's too many people in that outpost and they're going to start dropping like flies when they've used up all the oxygen."

"Understood, doctor. Chekov has a theoretical calculation for transporting that may work, but it is not ready-"

"Spock, I'm going down there."

Silence.

"Very well Doctor McCoy. I received a similar sentiment from Mr Scott, who is also confident that he can repair any damage to the life support systems. You will need a environmental suit and as many respirator devices as you can carry."

Bones opened the cupboard where the respirators were kept and grabbed an armful, shoving them into a medical bag that he slung over his shoulders as he half ran down to the transporter room. Scotty was already suited up, a bag of tools in his hand. His breath steamed up his helmet and Bones pulled a suit on himself. He hated the damn things, but if Jim died because of a stupid outpost having a terrible life support system he didn't think he could forgive himself.

"We're ready." Scotty said.

"How long has it been, Spock?" Bones asked as Chekov sat down at the controls.

"It has been two hours and seven minutes, Doctor."

* * *

So this a change from my other fanfic in which this will actually have a plot. Also it's McKirk. What has not changed is my addiction to ending chapters on cliffhangers.

All reviews are appreciated :)


	2. Chapter 2: Jettatore

**Chapter Two: Jettatore**

**'**Somebody who is/brings bad luck'

**Thank you for the reviews!**

**(warning: vague mentions of childhood abuse)**

* * *

When Jim regained consciousness he was lying on his back with a respirator pressed over his mouth, breathing sweet oxygen into his lungs. There was a warm hand cradling his head as he took in another slow, deep breath. He still felt sick and shaky but he was stubborn as ever and tried to heave himself into a sitting position.

"Dammit, Jim. Stay still, you nearly _died_."

Jim smiled shakily up at Bones. He couldn't summon the energy to argue and so stayed with his head held from the cold floor by Bones' hand and simply enjoyed how _nice _it felt to be able to breathe. As he became more aware of his surroundings he saw people bustling about. Others were like him, holding respirators to their faces. Some were pale but alright, some were unconscious and there was more than one body bag. Jim looked away from them and stared at the ceiling.

"How many?"

"Jim, it's not-"

"How _many_?"

Bones sighed. "Twenty three."

The world spun and Jim had to clench his jaw to keep himself from heaving.

"Shit, Bones. It's a goddamn Starfleet outpost, it shouldn't just fucking fall apart for no reason." This time when Jim tried to sit up Bones helped him with a steadying hand on his back. "Are the others okay? Did the security team make it? And what about Sulu - the shuttle never arrived."

"They're fine. None of the crew died. Sulu had problems with the shuttle and had to make an emergency landing but it's fine. Dammit, Jim everyone is okay."

Jim saw the end of a blonde ponytail poking out from one of the body bags. He closed his eyes for a moment, pulling on his Captain's mask.

"Is the outpost secure?" he asked harshly.

"Yeah, Scotty fixed the systems and they've begun fitting the new tech."

"Transport abilities?"

"They're workin' - dammit Jim, don't try to stand up!"

Bones got to his feet and seeing that Jim was intent on standing, impatiently grabbed his hand and hauled him so he was upright. Jim swayed on the spot for a moment, and Bones slung an arm around his waist to steady him. Jim held the respirator away from his face and took an experimental lungful of air, shoving the respirator into Bones' hand and walking away. Bones sighed and rubbed a hand over his brow. Something was _not_ right with Jim and dammit, he was going to find out what.

Jim helped as best he could, walking around, reassuring the officers and helping Scotty upgrade their life support systems.

"Eh, Cap'n you sure you should be crawlin' around vents?"

"Scotty, I'm fine. Let me _help_."

Scotty obediently helped Jim clamber into one of the vents in the ceiling, using his phaser to cut through one of the panels to reveal the intricate wiring underneath. If Jim hadn't got into command, he'd probably be an engineer. Actually he'd probably be-

_No, don't think about it. You're not with them, you're here. _

Jim bit his lip and pushed the memories away, concentrating on rewiring the circuits. His fingers were only shaking a tiny bit now, and his head felt clearer.

"Jim what the _hell_ are you doing?"

_Bones. Oops._

Jim deftly finished his work and shuffled backwards towards the hole he had climbed into. He dropped down to the floor and brushed his hands on his shirt.

"I was helping. Don't you have people you need to be sticking hypos into?"

Bones stabbed him in the neck with a hypo in answer and stalked off, grumbling under his breath in his strong accent. Scotty watched him go.

"Cap'n, he's jus' tryin' ta look after yeh."

Jim rubbed his eyes. "I know, Scotty. I'm not that damn fragile though, I've had worse things happen to me than passing out due to oxygen deprivation." He too stomped off, and Scotty let out a sigh.

"Aye, this is goin' ta be interestin'."

X

Back on the _Enterprise_, Bones was scanning Kirk insistently with a tricorder as he reported in to Starfleet Command.

"We concur with your engineer's belief that this was an accident. No signs of foul play are evident in the report - we will be sending out messages to all our outposts with orders to upgrade their life support systems."

"Yeah, alright. Kirk, out."

Jim turned around and rolled his eyes as Bones finished with his tricorder.

"So is my leg going to drop off or are you going to clear me for active duty?"

Bones scowled at him and checked the readings.

"You're fine. Blood is a little under-oxygenated but that would because you spent two hours in an outpost with no damn life support."

Jim raised an eyebrow and flashed him a grateful smile, flopping down into his chair and taking a PADD from Uhura.

"Starfleet want us to stay orbiting for two days and lend out any officers we can spare to help the outpost, sir."

Jim sighed and handed the PADD back to her.

"Sure thing. I think a rest after that disaster would probably be nice." Uhura raised an amused eyebrow.

"One more thing, Captain. Your brother called, told me to get you to contact him when you're off duty next."

Jim's posture tensed noticeably, his jaw tight as he nodded Uhura to show he had heard and made no move to get out of his chair. McCoy almost asked if was okay - he knew from their Academy days that Jim and his brother did not get on. But in the middle of the bridge surrounded by crew wasn't the time to bring it up.

"I'd best get back down to medical." he said gruffly, and Jim nodded, not looking at him. "You should rest, Jim." Bones clapped him on the shoulder and left the bridge. Jim pinched his nose with his fingers.

"Are you well, Captain?" Spock was watching him carefully.

"I'm fine, Spock. You have the conn."

Jim got up stiffly and took the lift to his quarters, wondering what was so damn important that his brother would bother calling him about. He sat at his desk and brought up the vid-communications. After a moment, George Samuel Kirk's face appeared on screen. He looked older than Jim remembered, his eyes dulled but a smile broke his face all the same.

"James! Hey, it's great to see you."

Jim managed to force a smile in return. "And you. You alright?"

"I'm great, I just wanted to tell you the news - me and Alice, we've had a baby. A baby boy, we're calling him Eric James Kirk. James after you."

Jim felt a strange twist in his stomach that his brother would suddenly extend some kind of family love to him after they had barely spoken a word to each other in years.

"Thats...that's uh, great. I'm honoured. Alice okay?"

George's eyes lit up at the mention of the love of his life.

"Ah James you should see her, I've never seen her so happy. You should come and visit sometime."

"I'd love to, but I'm on a five year haul, George. Give Alice my best though. I've got to go, duty calls and all that."

"Sure, sure. Good luck out there, James. Bye."

Jim ended the call and thunked his head down on the desk. In some ways he wished he had stayed in Iowa - but then he still wouldn't have the life that George had. Instead of coming home to someone he loved he would be sleeping in a different bed every night. Instead of a mother to visit and a step-father who cared, Jim had a mother who couldn't stand the sight of him and a man that had made his childhood hell. He clenched his fists against the memories of pain, of hits and kicks, of words that were even worse than the violence, of the absence of his mother. There were the endless nights of torture and rough hands and...

Jim got up so quickly that his chair fell to the floor and his head spun. He closed his eyes and thought instead of his ship, his crew. He didn't need any other family.

He sighed and picked the chair up on the way into the shower. He had it as hot as he could stand, the scalding water running down his chest and leaving his skin pink. Too many lives he could have had - and so many ways it could have ended. He could have driven that damn car off of the cliff, he could have starved to death when he ran away from home. He could have picked up the wrong girl at a bar and ended up dead in an alleyway. He could have not got onto the _Enterprise_ and stayed with _them_, and he knew without a doubt that he would be dead in that life. He could have stayed dead after crawling into the warp core.

It was a moment before he realised he wasn't breathing and he sucked in a sudden breath, coughing and almost slipping over in the shower. Jim took this as a sign to get dressed again, and headed for the mess hall, his stomach rumbling. He filled up a plate with sausages and mashed potato, shoveling it into his mouth without pausing, even as Spock came and sat down opposite him and clasped his hands together on the table.

"Captain, I wish...I wish to ask you for some advice."

Jim swallowed his mouthful and looked at his First Officer incredulously.

"You want to ask _me_ advice?"

"That is correct. After my loss of control following your...your death, I have come to the logical conclusion that I must attempt to balance both my half-human side and my half-vulcan side in order to stop such a loss of emotional stability again. As human who is highly emotional and yet functions extremely effectively, I wondered if you could give me any advice."

Jim blinked at him and stabbed another sausage.

"I don't know really. Just...try to accept how you feel more? And try to accept other people's feelings without judging them so much. It's quite insulting to have your feelings made light of."

Spock nodded. "I have drawn similar conclusions from studying your behavior, Jim. I will endeavor to do as you have suggested."

With that, the vulcan got up from his seat gracefully and left the mess hall.

"Well, I'll be damned." Jim muttered to himself with a smile, plowing through the rest of his dinner in silence. He had never _ever _thought Spock would deem him a suitable person to take advice from. The universe was full of surprises.

X

_It was dark. Jim crept forwards, keeping his head low. The black combat suit he wore made no noise, even as he ducked around the corner, gun raised. A well equipped klingon camp lay ahead. They had no idea that they were surrounded. _

_"Ghost to Baby. You in position?"_

_Jim rolled his eyes at the codename he had been assigned._

_"I'm ready." _

_"You'd better be. Remember, Eagle takes point, Red is going to flank them and I'll give you cover from my position on the roof. Don't mess up."_

_"Affirmative." _

_"Eagle in position. Waiting for your signal, Ghost." _

_"Fire on my mark." _

_There was silence for a long time. Jim leveled the gun he held in both gloved hands at his intended target. These were not phasers, light, handheld and with stun settings. These were heavy, automatic energy weapons with no purpose other than to kill. The barrel of the gun was thick and sturdy in his hand. Jim braced himself for the recoil._

_A silenced sniper shot thrummed through the air, and the first klingon dropped. _

_"Ares to Ghost. I've disabled the alarms."_

_Another shot, this time hitting a klingon guarding the back door. Another one was patrolling, and saw him fall. He raised his voice in the guttural language._

_"Fire."_

_Jim pulled the trigger. The gun jerked loudly in his arms, powerful energy shooting from the barrell and taking down three klingons without stopping. The fire was rapid, and even being backed up by four others, he had to take cover in order to vent the weapon. He pulled a lever on the side of the gun, releasing a hiss of steam from the vents that had opened and cooling the gun down._

_"Move up." _

_Jim pushed forwards, following the dark shape of Eagle ahead of him. Another shot rocketed over his head, taking down a klingon who had been brandishing a nasty looking axe. The first few shots hit Jim in the chest. He dropped and rolled to avoid the next, firing quickly and turning to face the next enemy as soon as the last fell. _

_"[Shields at eighty percent]"_

_"Ares here, there are reinforcements coming over the hill, towards your position."_

_"Fuck. Marcus said this place was cut off from the rest of them." there was a sigh down the comms from Ghost and Jim tensed. He knew what was coming next._

_"Ghost to Phoenix. Could do with some help here."_

_There was silence, and Jim hoped that maybe there would be no answer. He skidded around a klingon on his knees, pulling a knife from his boot and jabbing it into the alien's knee and then firing a shot into his head._

_"Phoenix incoming." _

_The voice was hidden by the computerized devices that protected all of their identities, but this one was different. Strangely metallic, devoid of any emotion other than an anger that sent shivers down Jim's spine._

_A golden light streaked from the sky. _

_Jim kept firing, covering Eagle as they pushed further into the camp. They were outnumbered, but not overwhelmed. It would take more than that to take their team down. _

_"Ghost to Phoenix, come in." _

_The heart stopping sound of klingons screaming burst through Jim's adrenaline filled haze, and that was all the answer they needed._

_Phoenix was dressed like the rest of them, a tight black suit covered in smooth armour, a helmet covering his face. Phoenix was lit by the fire crackling in the middle of the camp, ducking an axe with ease and simply grabbing the gun barrel that was aimed for his head. With inhuman strength he jerked the gun forwards so it smashed into the klingon's face, twisting it from the alien's grasp. With one quick movement, Phoenix broke the klingon's neck with such ferocity that as its body hit the floor on its stomach, its head was turned so its eyes stared unseeingly at the sky. _

_"I've got eyes on Phoenix." Jim breathed._

_Phoenix did not turn to look at Jim as he lifted a stark black phaser from his hip and shot over Jim's shoulder. The klingon who had been sneaking up on Jim hit the floor. _

"Jim?"

Jim woke with a start, gasping for air that never came.

* * *

Woah, look! There is PLOT. Thank you for reading, now please review? It would make me happy ^_^


	3. Chapter 3: Noceur

**Chapter Three: Noceur**

'one who stays up late at night'

* * *

Jim sat up with his hand clutched to his chest as he gasped for breath. He was in his room, the lights dimmed. There was a warm hand on his forehead and the buzzing of a tricorder. He wasn't there. He wasn't with them, he wasn't watching Phoenix massacre a camp of klingons. He was home, he was on his ship and Bones was poking him with some metal medical instrument.

He could breathe.

"Dammit Jim, are you alright?"

Bones looked disheveled, his hair was sticking up and he had stubble shadowing his jaw. Jim raised an insolent eyebrow at his doctor's appearance, and got a scowl in return.

"That damn implant of yours started sending all kinds of weird data to the med-bay." he prodded the white scar on the inside of Jim's left forearm. "Are you _alright_?"

"I'm fine...just a nightmare."

McCoy raised an eyebrow.

"Must've been some nightmare kid, your readings were off the charts."

Jim wiped the sweat from his brow and groaned, flopping back onto the bed. The sheets were damp with sweat.

"Jim, talk to me."

Jim sighed, and shut his eyes.

"Feel dizzy, head hurts...still tired."

Bones sat on the edge of the bed and watched Jim as he shut his eyes. He couldn't hide his inability to sleep now, not with the beginnings of pale circles under his eyes and the white, pinched look to his cheeks. McCoy almost chastised him for not saying anything, but realised that Jim's chest had slowed, his breathing gentle as he slipped back into sleep.

He stayed there for a minute longer and then left, turning the lights off and shutting the door as quietly as he could. McCoy didn't need to be a doctor to know that the Captain needed his sleep. He headed to the medical bay and flopped on the cot in his office with the same goal in mind. There was something not right with Jim. The readings from his implant were _off_ somehow. As he closed his eyes, McCoy decided to check again when he was back on duty.

X

Jim felt even worse the next day. Fatigue was sunk into what felt like every bone in his body, and he couldn't help the edge of irritability that he produced towards his crew. Uhura simply raised an eyebrow when he reprimanded her for a mistake, and even Sulu looked rather taken aback at his tone. Jim had then sat silently in his chair and not spoken to anyone.

"Captain, may I speak with you after Alpha shift?" Uhura stood at his elbow, her mouth pressed into a thin line.

"Of course, Lieutenant."

He had almost been tempted to say no, just to see how she'd take it but now wasn't the time for being childish. He was the Captain of the ship for goodness sake. He didn't know what was wrong with him at the moment.

The shift ended too quickly, and with some trepidation Jim agreed to speak to Uhura in his own quarters. He wasn't entirely convinced that she was above striking a superior officer. She certainly looked like she wanted to punch him. The door slid shut behind them, and Uhura turned on Kirk with what looked like _tears _in her eyes.

_Shit, what have I done now? _

"Uhura, are you alright?" Jim awkwardly patted her on the shoulder in some attempt to comfort her. Uhura smiled slightly and rolled her eyes. Jim let his arm drop back down beside him.

"What has Spock said to you?"

"Uuuhh about what?"

Uhura glared at him with such force that Jim actually took a step backwards.

"He is acting _weird_ and I thought you might know what's going on, since he's _your_ First Officer."

Jim sighed.

"He said something about balancing his emotions and his vulcan...stuff. He wanted advice, but I don't think I was very helpfu-"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought he would have already asked you...?" The exasperation on Uhura's face told him that evidently Spock had not shared this with her. Oops. "Why is this such a big deal anyway?"

"Because he left me, saying that after speaking to _you_ it was the most 'logical course of action'."

_Double oops._

"Maybe he just wants to get the hang of the whole...having emotions thing and not dumping it all on you?"

Uhura relaxed a little and pressed her hand to her head.

"I suppose you're right. I just wish he _would_ dump some of this on me. I want to be there for him you know, but he says the only way I can help is by giving him time."

Jim patted her on the shoulder.

"We're out here for five years, Uhura. He's going to have to face up to the fact that you are amazing at some point."

Uhura gave him an exasperated smile at his not-so-subtle flattery, and some of the pain in her eyes lessened.

"Thanks, Kirk." she said, "I really appreciate this. I'm sorry if I was out of line."

"Don't worry," Jim grinned, "You'd know if I thought you were out of line."

Uhura laughed and left, shaking her head as the door closed. Jim leant against the wall with relief. That could have gone a lot worse. He blinked back against the throbbing headache that had sat at the edge of his brow for the whole shift and debated whether to go and get a painkiller from Bones. He decided not. Bones had enough to deal with without him acting like a baby because he had a headache. The idea of food make his stomach turn and so Jim sat at his desk and began working his way through the mountain of ship reports, even though he was off duty for eight hours. He didn't see the point in sitting idle and he knew there was no way he'd be able to sleep while his head was so sore.

X

After the third week in a row of constant nightmares, Jim felt like he was losing his mind. He had to try as hard as he could to keep his temper, but he had seen crew members exchanging pointed looks more than once.

It was really pissing him off.

They had taken on two missions since, mostly simple observation and scientific research. Spock's uncertainty was also beginning to give JIm a headache. Well, a _worse_ one. He could do without his damn first officer doubting himself every five minutes. Instead of knowing that Spock was watching his back, Jim was having to keep even more aware than usual. Spock was doing the best he could what with trying to allow himself to _feel_ and Jim understood, he really did but it was costing him. He was constantly on edge, almost certain that he could feel death's fingers creeping up his spine, just waiting for him to drop his guard. So he _refused_ to drop his guard.

Jim reached for the bottle of vintage earth whisky that he kept hidden under his bed and uncorked it. He took a swig and almost spat it back out again. It was rich and musty, and it burned painfully at the back of his throat. The second glug wasn't so bad though.

After half the bottle was gone, it didn't taste bad at all. Jim was slumped on the floor in his shirt and boxers, playing with a stress ball that Bones had got him as an ironic present one Christmas at the Academy. It was a violent shade of pink and bounced satisfyingly against the wall as Jim threw it against the wall and caught it again. He still had good hand to eye coordination when drunk. He should put a note in his file. It might come in useful one day. He sniggered to himself, and the movement was enough to send the ball careening in the wrong direction and wedging itself under his desk. Jim grumbled under his breath, but before he could retrieve it his communicator beeped insistently from on the bed. He fumbled for it from the floor and flipped it open.

"...'lo?"

"Jim, dammit is that you?"

"Mmph. S'me."

There was a sigh from Bones.

"Are you busy?"

Jim's intoxicated brain couldn't come up with a suitable excuse fast enough.

"Dammit, Jim. I need to talk to you, I'll be there in ten."

Jim dropped the communicator onto the floor and sighed. He felt like shit, and he knew he had to sort himself out or he wouldn't be fit to Captain any ship, let alone the _Enterprise_. Ever since Khan, it felt like his body was betraying him, slower and yet he was more on edge, prone to misery and he felt so alone even on a ship of hundreds and hundreds of people.

He took another long, dark slurp of whisky so that only a quarter of the bottle was left. His head spun disconcertingly and there was a lurch in his stomach. Jim struggled to his feet and only just made it to the bathroom in time, retching violently into the toilet as he collapsed to his knees. There was the sound of the door to his quarters slid open. He was about to tell Bones to go away but the whisky made another attempt to escape instead.

"Jim?"

A glass of cool water was pressed into his hand and Jim gulped it down, rinsing his mouth and spitting into the toilet. He flushed the mess away and slumped against the wall, sweaty and shaking slightly. McCoy stood over him, and while his face was in its perpetual state of grumpiness, Jim knew he was worried.

"M'fine, Bones." he croaked. Bones refilled the glass and handed it back to him.

"Like hell you are, Jim." McCoy sat next to him on the bathroom floor. "You look like shit."

Jim snorted a small laugh. He was probably right, after all.

There was a moment of blessed silence.

"Kid, you've got to talk to me."

"Bones, I haven't got anything to say."

Another pause. McCoy trying to work out how far he could push it, how far he could tiptoe over the invisible line that Jim had drawn between them that had been there ever since he could remember. He was closer to Jim than most, but sometimes it felt like he didn't know him at all.

"Jim-"

"Save it, Bones. Please just...I'm fine. I just need to sleep, and I can't."

Jim began tapping his fingers against the floor.

"Shit, Jim. Don't be such a stubborn idiot next time, and _talk _to me. You may be allergic to nearly every treatment under the sun but I've got some sleeping pills I can give you."

Jim's shoulders became less tense and he flashed Bones a fragile grin.

"I'm not an idiot. I'm your _Captain_."

Bones rolled his eyes.

"Dammit, Jim."

He heaved himself up and then pulled Jim to his feet, having to hold a supporting hand against Jim's spine as they walked slowly to the medical bay. They reached it just in time, Jim's face having got slowly more green as they walked. Bones shoved a metal dish into his hands, which he promptly threw up in,

"Captain, are you ill?"

Spock stood in the doorway, uncertainly. Bones rolled his eyes and waved the vulcan in, swapping the dish Jim had thrown up in for a clean one.

"He's being a damn _idiot_." he grumbled and went to find the sleeping pills. Spock stood at the end of Jim's bed and watched him as he retched again.

"What..." Jim rinsed out his mouth again, "What time is it?"

Spock did not even glance at one of the many monitors displaying the time.

"It is approximately four thirty two in the morning, Captain."

Jim groaned and thunked the last puked-in dish on the side. His stomach was churning less but his mouth tasted foul. Spock wordlessly handed him a glass of water.

"Jim, if I may ask...how is Nyota?"

Jim downed the glass of water and wiped his mouth. Bones was still rummaging around in a cupboard down the other side of the medical bay.

"She's doing okay, considering."

What could have been an expression of pain flickered across Spock's face.

"I am sorry for the distress it has caused her, however I must dedicate all of my free time to meditation, and that would not be fair on her."

Jim raised an eyebrow. (Secretly he was very amused at being able to play Spock at his own game, but the vulcan didn't seem to notice the irony).

"Spock, did you ever think to ask her whether _she_ thought it was fair?"

Spock looked at him blankly. Jim sighed. He was crap at relationships, but this was Spock, his friend and Uhura was like a sister to him.

"Uhura isn't exactly a woman you need to...look after. She's strong, she can take care of herself. And you owe her the right to make her own decision about whether she wants to stand by you through this or not. She deserves her own choice, not you making it for her."

Jim took another drink of water and relished the feeling of it icy against his tongue. Spock was staring at his hands, clasping in his lap, presumably organising his thoughts.

"I believe...I believe you are right, Jim." He looked at Jim gratefully.

Bones stalked back into the room with a small pot of pills. He glanced curiously between Spock and Jim who were leaning towards each other and shook his head, shoving the pot into Jim's hand.

"Take two of these at least an hour before you want to sleep. And don't drink anymore of that damn whisky. I've confiscated it."

Jim chuckled.

"You have such a sweet bedside manner, Bones."

Bones harrumphed and headed to his own quarters.

"I will speak to Nyota right away, thank you Jim."

Jim winked.

"I'm always right. It's why I'm the Captain!"

Spock deigned not to comment and left the room with a nod towards Jim. Jim flopped back onto the bed. There was no use taking the pills now, there was only a few hours until his shift. Instead he closed his eyes and thought about how lucky he was to be _here_.

X

McCoy closed the door to his quarters - which were also his office. He could see from the cameras in the med bay that Jim was attempting to sleep. He held up the nearly empty bottle of Jim's whisky, looking at the amber liquid inside. Shame to waste it. He finished off the bottle and began cataloguing their medical supplies.


	4. Chapter 4: Nepenthe

**Chapter Four: Nepenthe**

'a drink or drug that is supposed to bring forgetfulness of trouble and grief'

Sorry, this chapter is shorter! But this is because the next chapter will actually have plot in it so, watch out and stuff.

* * *

Jim sat in his chair, aware that Spock was currently staring at him with such venom that he believed he was attempting to bore holes in his back. The mission had gone...well, it had gone completely to shit and this time he couldn't even blame the bad luck that seemed to follow him everywhere. It was his fault, his mistake and now Uhura was in critical condition in the medical bay. They had been simply observing an unknown species in an uncharted planet. They had beamed down, he, Uhura and two other security officers with the equipment. Uhura was to try and piece together how they communicated for future attempts to integrate the strange aliens into the federation once they had become more evolved.

Jim had had a rough night - the pills had made him sleep, sure, but he just had nightmares that he couldn't even wake up from anymore. He was on edge, tense and wanted to get back onto his ship. Uhura had fallen behind, examining the crude drawings the aliens used to decorate the sandy rocks that dotted the landscape. She had fallen behind, and he had kept going. He had left her there until he heard her shouting down the comms. Jim had never run so fast in his life, but he still had not been fast enough. Uhura had stunned three of the aliens that surrounded her, but the last one had ripped the phaser from her hands and sunk an ugly nicked blade into her stomach. The security team had taken out the alien, and Jim had skidded to Uhura's side, pressing his hands to the wound.

"Jim."

Jim shook his head from the memory of Uhura's blood covering his hands and looked up. It was Bones, and he looked exhausted.

"Bones, how is she?"

The bridge was silent.

"She's going to be fine. We've just finished operating and she's sedated. She's stable, and there weren't any complications."

There was a collective sigh of relief from everyone on the bridge. Even from Jim, though he hid his guilt deep in his chest. He pulled up a mission brief from Admiral Susanna White, scanning its contents and ordering Sulu to input the course.

Bones cleared his throat.

"Jim, maybe you should give the crew a break."

Jim didn't answer.

"Jim, the crew is tired. Dammit I'm your chief medical officer and I'm recommending you give them a week of shore leave. Just a week, it's not that long."

Jim closed his eyes, and opened just as quickly when he was greeted by the memory of the helmeted face of Phoenix. Was that he was? An inhuman monster with just one purpose? If he wasn't Captain James Kirk, he wasn't anyone. He wondered if Phoenix had ever felt the same. Just the person to call if they needed people to die. He was simply the poster boy for the federation, and all that meant was if he fucked up, if he showed any weakness, he would lose everything.

"We don't have time."

"Dammit, Jim we have time. _Make_ time."

"We are the flagship of the federation."

"You are the _Captain._ You have to be responsible for the wellbeing of your damn crew."

Jim stood as Bones raised his voice, turning on him with his blue eyes full of anger.

"You are dismissed, Lieutenant Commander." Bones stared at Jim. "That's an order, get off of the bridge."

Jim ignored the shock of all the bridge crew as Bones shot him a glare and got into the turbolift. Jim sat back down in his chair, and wished he had another bottle of whisky to get him through the rest of his shift. He heard footsteps, and didn't even need to look to know that it was Spock.

"I apologise for implying Nyota's injury was your fault." he spoke quietly.

"Why? It _was_ my fault." Jim's voice was bitter and he stared resolutely out of the front screen into the comforting blackness beyond.

"I believe that out of all of the crew, you are the most in need of shore leave, Jim."

Jim clenched his jaw. "And?"

"I am seconding Doctor McCoy's recommendation that we take one week of shore leave. It will also give Nyota more time to recover before she inevitably insists she returns to her duties as communications officer."

Jim smiled at this. Spock was right, as soon as Uhura was conscious she would be demanding he put her back on the bridge. He glanced around at the faces of his crew. Chekov looked paler than usual, Sulu had frown lines wrinkling his brow. Jim huffed.

"Fine. Sulu, put in a course for the nearest federation planet. Chekov, open a ship wide frequency and tell everyone the good news."

"Aye, sir."

As they hit warp, Jim wondered if Scotty would be up to a drinking contest once they landed. He could always count on Scotty to drink him into oblivion.

X

Jim stared into Scotty's eyes. Or the approximate location of Scotty's eyes. They were on their third bottle of Orion...something. Whatever it was, it burned like hell on the way down and Jim had nearly choked to death after the first mouthful. Scotty now looked like an indistinguishable red blur with a scottish accent that was becoming harder and harder to understand. Jim wasn't sure if it was because Scotty's accent was becoming stronger as he drunk, or he was just very very drunk himself. Jim decided it was a mix of both.

"Jim, aye try summa this." Scotty plonked a very small glass with a tiny amount of pale green liquid in it. Jim squinted at it suspiciously.

"Wha'is it?"

"I cannae tell you that. I don't speak klingon."

Jim raised a dubious eyebrow and picked up the glass.

"Ah, what the hell."

He drunk it, and it sort of felt like his brain was being squeezed out of his eyeballs. He sort of whimpered and then the feeling passed. Scotty was laughing at him, and Jim was the epitome of maturity, sticking out his tongue in reply.

His head felt very floaty.

"I'm gunna go..." Jim waved his hand at the door, "outside. My head-"

Scotty cackled and ordered one of the drinks for himself, toasting Jim as he staggered out into the cold air. It hit him like a slap in the face and he had to blink furiously to see again through his watering eyes. They were on a federation planet, yes...but it wasn't the most _classy_ place to visit. There were seedy bars everywhere, more than one strip club and the drug crime rates were through the roof. Jim wasn't surprised that most of the crew had elected to stay in the cushy Starfleet quarters they had been assigned. The food was much nicer, to be fair.

Jim walked in what could be vaguely described as a straight line towards one of the strip clubs. Staring at the shaking ass of a beautiful Orion might help him sleep better tonight...or not sleep, depending on the girl. And also depending whether the alcohol had affected other..._abilities_. Jim entered the club, nearly reeling from the bizarre smell and plopped himself down in a seat in the corner.

A dark haired woman who was at the bar glanced over at him. From the looks of the woman sitting next to her, they were twins. One had long hair, and the other who was not looking at him had hers in a bob. Jim wouldn't mind taking them to bed. He winked at the one who had turned to look at him and her eyes widened. She looked away quickly and spoke urgently to her twin. They left soon after, and Jim sighed.

Nevertheless it didn't too long for a woman to come over, her hips shaking and tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder. She leant over, her blouse straining at the buttons. Jim smiled at her and gestured for the bartender to buy her a drink. She licked her red-lipsticked mouth in appreciation and took the drink, downing it in one. Jim was impressed and for the wink he gave her, he was rewarded by her sitting on his lap, caressing his hair with long, slim fingers.

"You're _yummy_..." she breathed, her tongue wet against his jaw, "We have a back room, you know."

Jim allowed her to lead him to one, shutting the door behind him. Immediately the blonde showered him with deep, sensual kisses, her eyes full of sin.

"Have this," she said, and produced a small pill from her breast pocket. It was black and shiny and Jim shook his head. She put it onto the tip of her tongue and kissed him, rubbing herself against Jim's groin and distracted, he swallowed it.

It had been a long time since he had slept in a bed other than his own.

She took a pill herself and dropped to her knees, her hands caressing the zipper of Jim's trousers. He leant heavily against the wall as she licked him through his boxers, closing his eyes.

The shiver that went up his spine was not from lust. A feeling of fear was crawling up there instead, his skin tingling strangely. His heart thumped oddly in his chest, and Jim coughed, taking in a breath that did nothing to help the swirling dizziness in his head.

_You have got to be kidding me_.

He stuffed a bunch of credits at the blonde and staggered out, clutching his chest. Breathing was harder now, and he didn't know where he was. He fumbled with the communicator.

"_Bones_?" he choked down, "Bones I took something and I feel..." Jim coughed again, and it felt like his lungs were attempting to climb out of his throat. The communicator toppled to the floor and Jim slumped against the wall, the sound of his heart beating fast, too fast in his ears.

Then there was silence, and everything went black.

X

When he was conscious again, he was in the medical bay of the _Enterprise _and felt like he had been run over by a Starship. Or six. Bones was sitting next to him with his head in his hands.

"Dammit, Jim!" he growled when he saw Jim's eyes open, "Don't _ever_ do that again. Your goddamn heart stopped!"

Jim groaned.

"Didn't take it purpose...sneaky woman...I didn't mean to take it!"

Bones folded his arms and rolled his eyes. Jim could tell he didn't believe him and so he snapped his mouth shut and lay there quietly.

"Jim, you need to get a hold of yourself," Bones said, more softly, "I'm worried about you."

Jim's jaw clenched and he did not reply.

"What did the pill look like? So I can add it to the thousands of things that might kill you."

"Small, black. I dunno. Made my head feel weird, light."

Bones nodded.

"It's called Nepenthe. Popular around here, and it definitely fucks with your brain. You need to stay here for a couple of days where I can keep an eye on you just in case."

"Sure."

Bones grumbled to himself and left the room. Jim turned his head to see Uhura, unconscious a few beds away from him. Craning his head to make sure Bones had definitely gone, Jim slid off of the bed and went over to her, holding one of her hands in his own.

"Hey, Uhura." he said quietly, "I'm so sorry. I really am, but Bones has fixed you up and you're going to be fine." he took in a shuddering breath, "I shouldn't have left you. I don't even know what's going on in my head anymore but...shit. I'm sorry. Spock was nice to me as well, you should have been awake for it. Don't worry though, when you're up and about again you have a free pass to kick my ass for being such a shit Captain."

He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and shuffled back onto his own bed.

For the first time in months, Jim slept and did not dream.


	5. Chapter 5: Cataclysm

**Chapter Five: Cataclysm**

'large-scale and violent event in the natural world. A sudden violent upheaval, esp. in a political or social context.'

* * *

Their next mission was proving to be a little more complicated. They had been ordered to go and retrieve the pieces of a fallen Federation satellite from yet another planet populated by a species only just beginning to evolve. Unfortunately, they were evolved enough to speak in a grunting language that sounded to Jim vaguely like Klingon (though Uhura had insisted they were completely different) and to have made crude weapons from their surroundings.

Jim was on the ground team, along with two members of security. Sulu, Chekov and a newish security officer named Marlow had dropped on the other side of the main camp of the aliens as there were pieces of satellite scattered everywhere. Jim carefully plopped a twisted piece of metal and wires into the bag on his back.

"Sulu, how are you guys doing?"

"We're doing okay. Still got pieces to - shit-"

"Sulu? Uhura what's going on down there?"

"I don't know sir, I'm working as fast as I can."

Jim swore at the sound of phasers firing from the other side of the camp and pulled his own from its holster, ducking down. The planet was overgrown except for the plateau in which the aliens had made their huge, rambling camp. He couldn't see Sulu.

Jim glanced up at the sky - he did not know why, some strange premonition perhaps. What he saw turned his blood to ice. Three lights flared from the sky, barreling towards Sulu. One of them was golden.

_Fuck, no_.

"Sulu, Sulu do you read me?" Jim's voice was desperate and he ignored the questioning looks from his security team.

"I read you Captain." Sulu himself sounded strained, and another burst of phaser fire echoed through the trees. "Wait, what the-"

"Sulu, get the _hell_ out of there, that's an order."

"But sir-"

"Get out of there _now_."

The rattle of guns began, guns that sounded unfamiliar to anyone except Jim. He began to run towards the small clearing that they had agreed to shuttle back from. It was too far away.

"Uhura, send down the shuttle."

"Jim, I do not understand why-"

"Spock, I don't have time for you to second guess me right now. I need the shuttle."

"Dammit Jim-"

Jim ignored Bones, too.

X

Sulu shoved Chekov face first into the dirt as an arrow flew through the air where his head had been only moments before. He swore in russian and gaped up at Sulu.

"Get up, come on-"

An arrow that should have hit him in the chest was block by a figure in a black combat suit that looked more advanced than anything Sulu had seen in his life. The stranger caught the arrow in their hand and stabbed it into the alien's neck, raising a strange rifle to shoot at the horde of aliens barreling towards them.

As a jagged sword was thrust towards the stranger's chest they moved quickly, inhumanly fast to dodge the blade and then snapped the alien's arm at the elbow. The alien howled in pain and then silenced as it was shot in the head.

There were two more of the black clad figures, and one of them gestured urgently for Sulu to get the hell out of there. Jerking Chekov to his feet, they did.

"Sulu, are you alright? Sulu, answer me!"

"I'm here Captain. We are en-route to the shuttle pick up."

"Good...Sulu, how many of them are there?"

Sulu wondered how Jim _knew_, but he didn't like the tense tone to his Captain's voice.

"Three, sir."

"Okay, okay that's good. Spock, is that shuttle prepped?"

"I am about to leave. I still do not understand why we are abounding our mission-"

"Spock, dammit just get down here."

Jim sprinted, the team on his heels. They were too far, too far away and _shit_ Jim couldn't let them hurt his crew. He wondered why they were there, and that fear enabled him to summon the energy to speed up. He was running so fast that he nearly skidded off of the edge of the cliff. A hand yanked him back, and it wasn't a member of the _Enterprise_.

Jim stared into the anonymous face of Phoenix.

"You fucking _leave _us alone!" he shouted. Phoenix pulled out a gun and spun on his heel, shooting an alien in the head as it snuck towards them. The other two members of Jim's team were watching Phoenix warily, hands touching their phasers. Jim shook his head. On the bright side, he was pretty sure that if Phoenix had been planning on killing any of them, they would be dead already.

He didn't know where the other two were, but he was pretty sure one of them would be Ghost. Phoenix turned back to him and gripped his arm tightly. Jim had no idea who or _what_ Phoenix was, but all he knew was that the last time he had felt such bone crushing strength he had ended up being dead in the warp core of his own ship. The memory sent a surge of panicked adrenaline through his veins and he twisted himself free, leveling his phaser to Phoenix's face.

"Dammit Jim, shuttle is going to be there in twenty seconds."

Jim focused on Bones' voice in his ear, and not the feeling of his shaking hands.

"Captain, it's Sulu, we're nearly at your position."

Phoenix didn't move. It felt like they were all waiting for something. Jim hoped that the shuttle turned up before whoever Phoenix was waiting for. His heart hammered in his ears and despite all that he had been through, despite all the people he had saved and the battles he had fought, he felt like he was with _them_ again, given a codename that was mocking, feeling unsure and alone. But he was a Captain now. He was free from them.

Sulu's group entered the clearing, and the whirring of the shuttle came from behind Jim. He lowered his phaser as his team jumped aboard, as did Sulu and the others. Phoenix spoke.

"Wait."

The computerized voice wasn't as frightening as it had been once, but it was still so cold and alien that Jim had to forcibly stop himself from wincing.

They looked at each other for a moment, and then Jim turned away, leaping for the shuttle. Phoenix did not try to grab him, didn't try to stop him. Just stood there and watched Jim as the shuttle left, two black figures joining him as the shuttle zoomed away. The doors shut and then Jim could not see them anymore.

When they reached the _Enterprise_, there were lots of questions. Actually, there was just a lot of pointed staring from Spock, and Jim pointedly ignoring him as he ordered them to get out of range of the planet. Bones was patching up Sulu's team. Thankfully no one was badly hurt, only minor scratches. Bones had grumbled about it anyway, but Jim was sure that as soon as he'd finished he'd come up to the bridge along with the others to ask what had happened down there.

Jim wasn't precisely sure what to tell them. For now he mulled over everything in silence, wondering what the hell they had been doing on that planet...and why there had been only three of them.

_Not my problem anymore._

"Captain." Spock's voice was quiet but demanding. Demanding answers. Jim sighed and rubbed his face with his hands, closing his eyes and breathing in a calm breath.

"I will explain once Bones is on the bridge." he said shortly. The planet became smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing from their scanners as they entered warp.

The turbolift wooshed to the bridge and Jim didn't need to turn around to know the heavy footed steps belonged to Bones, followed by those of Sulu and Chekov. There was a tense, anticipatory silence.

"Okay," Jim started, and stood, turning to face his crew. He was their Captain, he could not afford to show weakness now. "I'm sure you all want an explanation as to what went on. Technically, it's classified as hell but you are my crew and I trust you. I'd appreciate it if this stays quiet, or you might end up with a different Captain."

There were a few nervous smiles. Spock had stood from his seat and was exchanging confused looks with Uhura.

Jim took in another breath.

"When I was at Starfleet Academy, I was entered on a program that was started by Admiral Marcus, though I didn't know that at the time. It is clear now that this...we were part of his plan to militarize Starfleet. Alongside my studies, I trained along with several others to join a black ops team known as Blackfleet."

Sulu raised his eyebrows.

"The fact that you were doing this _and_ studying makes the whole becoming an officer in three years thing even more impressive."

Jim grinned, but it faded quickly.

"We went on thirty seven missions together. The last mission - number thirty eight - that I was assigned to was going to take place on the same day that I boarded the _Enterprise_ and we went after Nero. If the _Enterprise_ hadn't have saved Earth and I hadn't become Captain, I would probably still be serving with them today instead of with this fantastic crew."

Spock opened his mouth, but Jim carried on hastily.

"There were five of us...Ghost was our leader. He was twins with this other guy, Phoenix who was an honorary number six. Also the guy who was called when we messed up, when things got too hot." Jim glanced at Spock, "I've been on the receiving end of a pissed off vulcan and I can tell you that Spock has _nothing_ on Phoenix. I've seen him take out entire enemy patrols without a scratch. I'm pretty sure that he and Ghost are genetically modified but obviously, I can't prove it. Whatever they were doing down there, I wasn't willing to risk the lives of my crew near a black ops team that technically don't exist. Whatever they were up to, I know we were better off not involved."

The bridge was silent. Jim knew that Spock's mind had jumped to the same fact that Jim's was repeating around and around. There had only been three of them.

"Any questions?"

There was a unanimous shaking of heads. McCoy was watching Jim with an expression resembling that he was having something of an epiphany. He was, in fact. He was remembering the nights that Jim had come home to their shared room looking as though he hadn't slept in a week, with bruises in places that weren't usually a target in a bar fight - which was always Jim's explanation. There had been long scratches and burns and once Jim had crawled in with a dislocated shoulder that had been so shoddily put back into its socket that McCoy had had to dislocate it again and reset it.

When Jim went to leave, McCoy grabbed his arm and whispered harshly in his ear.

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

Jim's blue eyes were haunted and McCoy wished that he hadn't asked.

"I don't know, Bones." Jim said, shaking his head, "I don't know."


End file.
